As I may have mentioned before, I have been living the life of a vagabond for the past five years. I am currently in Sweden, and although this has been my home base for a while now, in some ways I still feel like a vagabond because of all the travel I get to do, and the fact that most of my friends are also vagabonds who are leaving Sweden as quickly as they enter.
One of my first experiences abroad was five years ago when I lived for four and half months in Germany. There I became close with many people, and when it was my time to leave, I was really torn. I thought, how can I go on with my life without these people? Even ones with whom I didn’t spend so much time were a part of this “family” that I would miss. Aside from a few sparse reunions in the years following, I am only in regular contact now with one person from that experience: my husband who I met there. After some reflection and maturity I have come to the realization that many people, no matter where I live, come in and out of my life in the same way. Only the ones with whom I have a deep connection manage to last.
Now, when people are crying as they say goodbye to me, when we have only spent a few partying nights together, I understand their feeling of loss, but in experience I cannot feel the same way. I know that in a few months I may miss their presence, but I doubt there will be a deep sense of longing in the same way I may miss a family member or best friend.
Yet there are a few people, those precious few, that their absence leaves me nearly devastated. Some people with whom I only spent a few nights. These ones that make me question my vagabond lifestyle. The ones who give me tears even months after they leave.
I now sit here and question my friendship levels by using these people as a threshold. How can I enjoy my current circle of friends when I know that this deep connection is not there in the same way as the ones who are countries away? And with the ones here to whom I feel really close, I am dreading the time when we must part, which will definitely happen in the coming year or two. A solution of course is to enjoy the moments, the now. But my highly emotional core never forgets.
And I sit here, with my heart in pieces across the world, almost with the fear of not giving any more pieces. But it is not that simple. It is not a choice. I cannot resist the magnetism of a person with whom I can feel totally comfortable to be myself. These people land in my life without notice, and there will certainly be people in the future doing the same, that I haven’t met yet. Luckily my heart does not get smaller as I give pieces away. The few people that get a piece never lose it.